Freeforming & Fasting

i have locs (aka dreadlocks) and i absolutely love them! it has been 2 years since i started locking. before i started locking, i had loose natural hair. i made the decision to loc one day as i was sitting on the subway admiring a woman's locs, and right then and there, i said that locing was for me! it has been a great journey. i'm the sole woman in my family who wears her hair natural, nonetheless, they are all very supportive of my decision. for me, it isn't only a hairstyle, it is a lifestyle. with that said, i, for the most part, wear my hair "neatly" in other words a more manicured look. although i do like that look, i also love just washing my locs and letting it do its own thing. the times when i have washed my locs and "let them go" people often make comments like: "you need to do your hair"...a student told me that! or people say, wow, your hair is thick and beautiful, why don't you wear your locs like that all the time? i have always preferred the more "freeform" method which is basically wash and go. it means that you never manipulate your locs, meaning retwisting the roots. you just let the roots loc on their own. two prime examples of this locing method is lauryn hill and bob marley. i love their style of locs. also, the reason why i decided to loc, wasn't so it could always look the way "society" deems appropriate. i wanted to do it to embrace who i really am, and the beauty of my hair. so now, as of yesterday, i am beginning my freeforming loc journey. i haven't told anyone, not even my husband. i think if i tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn't understand. so, i am just gonna let it go, and he will eventually get the point. i attempted to tell my mom on the phone yesterday. it went like this:

me: mom, i'm thinking of freeforming my locs
mom: what is that?
me: it's when you stop retwisting the roots of your locs and just let them be
mom: oh no, i like the way your locs are now, nice and neat. don't do that! (in a stern voice)
me: yeah ok mom. whatever

i knew she wouldn't get it, so why did i try to tell her? i don't think anyone will get it, so i will just do it on my own. the end. i am actually really excited about this new journey and the new shape and look my locs will take on. i'm prepared for the random comments, but i really don't care, because this is my decision and this is me damnit!

in other news, i have also started a 10 day fast. today is day #1. i'm fasting because i started eating meat again, and i feel spiritually imbalanced. my body needs to be cleansed. now, when fasting, i'm not gonna starve. i will eat everyday after 5pm (kind of like the muslims during ramadan). before 5pm i will have black tea and water. after 5pm, i will indulge in lots of green vegetables. 10 days! i tried to tell my husband this morning, because obviously we eat together, and of course, he was like "why"? oh boy. mind you, my husband goes through his fasting methods and i let him be. when it's my turn, he starts asking all kinds of questions. i think my soul and my spirit needs a good fast.

last but not least, love is beautiful.

peace and nappiness <3

wedding bbq and more...

one of my close friends got married in costa rica about 2 months ago. we went to college together. she married some rich, trader guy. he is interesting and older. whatever. she has always dated rich guys. to each his own. i'm really excited about going to her wedding bbq which is today in her parents' backyard in staten island. a lot of my friends from college will be there and i look forward to talking with some of them again. i found the best h&m dress at a thrift store yesterday. it's purple, a tube-dress, and HOT! unfortunately, my husband has to work so he can't come :-(
many of my friends still haven't met him and they keep asking when they will meet him. sigh. i wish he didn't have to work on weekends. but he does. another good week with my husband. he called me during his lunch break to come and have lunch with him on thursday. i was surprised and excited :-)

so yeah, tomorrow i'm spending the day with one of my closest friends. our friendship has gone through some ups and downs, but for some reason, i just love her. like, i don't know what i would do without her although we don't see each other all the time. she took the day off from work just to hang out with me, which of course, makes me feel loved and special. yup, i'm so corny.

last but not least, i'm very excited about teaching high school students in a few short weeks!

peace & nappiness <3

psychotherapy

i have been going to a psychotherapist for the past 2 weeks. i really enjoy talking to this woman. she is calm. she listens. and she doesn't know me. all of those factors make her responses unbiased and real. i love her advice, but more importantly, i love being able to just talk to her and not feel judged. it's a nice outlet. i think i will go for at least a few more weeks. exciting.

in other news, i am preparing for the new school year. i have been working on the 9th grade curriculum which is all about identity and the self. the books we are reading are really well-written and i have enjoyed reading them. one is about a homeless teenager, the other about a pregnant teenager who overcomes serious obstacles. and of course some shakespeare (romeo & juliet) and catcher in the rye, a favorite of mine.

in the news of writing, let's just say good things are happening. more to come soon!

peace and nappiness <3

installing an air conditioner....

it has been one long, hot summer for my husband and i. our apt is as hot or perhaps even hotter than hell and we have been sweaty, irritable, and most recently, losing sleep. we toss, we turn, and then we tell ourselves it's only one more month. however, as i thought about it, september is usually pretty hot as well. especially in MY APT! my apt is always 15 degrees warmer than the temperature outside. yikes. so anyhow, we woke up yesterday morning, and i made a declaration: today i will get an air conditioner. my husband, on his way to work, looked at me, and smiled slyly, not believing that on the second day of august, i would do such a thing. so he left for work, not knowing what was about to occur.

i jumped out of bed, got dressed and headed to utica avenue, about a 15 minute walk from my house, equipped with my sturdy, bright red push cart! what a workout! as i got to utica avenue, i found the discount store that had the ac's/fans. i got the one i wanted. an 8,000 BTU Haier air conditioner for a great price of $229! online, it was much more. so i get my ac, and the jamaican man who checks the bags in, who keeps singing to me and telling me about the beauty of my smile, attaches the box to the top of my push cart while using box string. when he is done, i push the cart out of the store, and the bottom of the cart caves in! i was so embarrassed. how was i gonna get this thing home? i realized i could still push the cart, although the bottom caved in, so i continued to walk. i was so excited that after a few blocks, i realized i was going in the wrong direction. shit! i turned the broken-in cart with the heavy ac around and walked in the right direction, towards my house. as i walked as fast as i possibly could (which wasn't that fast) i noticed it was getting dark. very dark. finally after crossing eastern parkway, the rain began. heavy, thundering, earth-shattering rain! SHIT! i ran under the popeye's as a shelter. the ac was now falling off the top of the cart. i stood there for 10 minutes. still raining. 30 minutes. still raining. 45 minutes. still raining. damn, i can't stand here all day i thought! why did i decide to get an ac on a day i knew it was supposed to thunderstorm? only me! finally, in a desperate rage, i attempt to lift the ac off the cart. as i do this, the cart pushes off towards the street, crashing into someone's car. a friendly pedestrian sees this and grabs my cart. whew. the ac was sooo heavy. i see a taxi pull up and someone comes out. i hail the taxi. the driver sees me attempting to lift the ac and comes out in the rain and takes the ac and puts it in the trunk. (did i mention i left the push cart on the side of the road? haha) so anyway, we get to my building, and he takes out my ac and puts it in the lobby for me! what a gentleman! (of course he was african!) i pay him and then ask myself, how will i get this up four flights of stairs? that is because i have no elevator in my building! seriously, i think it was God who gave me some kind of superpower for 5 minutes and helped me get the ac up the stairs in just a few minutes! as soon as i got in...i dropped it by the door....this would be a job for my husband when he came home from work! i was done!!!

a few hours later, my husband arrives, and is ecstatic about the ac, although he doesn't show it. i see it in his eyes. we eat dinner first, then he immediately takes it into the bedroom, for installation. i sit there, reading instructions. my husband goes: why are you reading instructions? this is common sense? ok, i thought, so since you don't need me, you do it! i just watch him and of course because he has ignored the instructions, he puts the wrong screw in at first! i told him it says to use the short screws first, then the long ones later! he didn't wanna hear the instructions! oh, men. anyhow, after drilling, measuring, lifting, complaining, sighing, and sweating, we installed the ac! we both drilled some screws in, and we both measured, etc. once we turned the ac on.....WOW! amazing. we slept like babies last nite. it was freezing cold in our room. after a few hours the temp in our room was 62 degrees!!! woohoo! when we first plugged the ac in, the temp in our bedroom was 89 degrees! nuts!

i am sooo happy i ventured out into a thunderstorm to get the ac, because at the end of the day, the night was sooo much better with cool, soothing, air! ahhhhhh.....

peace & nappiness :-)

update.

i don't have much time to write. however, things have been up and down, back and forth, in and out, etc.
trip to texas was amazing. got to see my brother and his fiance and reflect on the pluses and minuses of my marriage. there are always more pluses than minuses, but it's still tough! whew. anywho, counseling was amazing and it really made me look at my husband and our relationship from a different perspective. according to the counselor, he is seriously homesick, and i need to be sensitive to him while remembering not to lose who i am. although not easy, it is possible.
on my way home from therapy, my husband actually surprised me and was waiting for me by the station. i was like WOW! he hasn't surprised me like that in a long time...we went for a long walk. we talked. we laughed. we talked more. we laughed at random pedestrians. it was amazing. i know we have it in us to be happy. we just need to learn how to be a couple-together.

i love him. this is gonna be ok. just a bumpy road, that seems to be getting a bit more smooth....

off to have lunch with my mom.

peace and nappiness.

Too Much Talk

you talk and you talked
you smile and you smiled
you use and you have used
and i am still here,
wondering why.

we live and we breathe
without sharing anymore
now this feels like a chore,
living with you
and the blueness taped to my lips
refuses to disappear.

i talk and i talked
unable to talk anymore, because it is impossible
for me to express how much
i need you and want to love you
but i feel like i cant.
this hurts like raw fire on my heart,
burning away at my freedom,
that i believe and believed to be love.

you steal and you have stolen
my sanity, and it is unfair
because when i look at you, you don't care
and it's true.
my intuition told me, suddenly,
in the middle of this lonely night.
the fights ensue, as you do, what is best for you,
waiting for a cooked meal, that i am never cooking
again.

you haven't cooked either,
never wonder if i ate.
never mind the black girl lost
who lost herself on your continent,
that used to be my continent
five centuries ago.

now i know why the caged bird sings
and why my mother told me:
"love can kill..."
it really can,
so do i take the stand
to repeat or repent for those vows?

downhill...

i don't know if we are going to make it....my husband and i.

sigh.

peace & nappiness